


How I Met Your Mother (Book 1)

by TheAwkwardOne6



Category: bare: A Pop Opera - Hartmere/Intrabartolo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - How I Met Your Mother Fusion, Everyone Is Gay, Inspired by How I Met Your Mother, Lucas Uses He/They Pronouns, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28705242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAwkwardOne6/pseuds/TheAwkwardOne6
Summary: After Peter and Jason get engaged, Matt begins to seriously question what he wants out of life. That’s when he meets Lucas and falls desperately in love with him. The only problem? They want completely different things out of life.
Relationships: Ivy Robinson/Original Female Character(s), Ivy Robinson/Original Male Character(s), Jason McConnell/Peter Simmonds, Lucas Carter/Matt Lloyd, Matt Lloyd/Undisclosed
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue

“Kids, I’m gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.”

“Are we being punished for something?”

“No.”

“Is this gonna take a while?”

“Yes,” the kids groaned and sat back. “Twenty five years ago, before I was dad, I had this whole other life.”

It was way back in 2021. I was twenty seven and just starting to make it as an architect. I living with Jason, my best friend from high school. My life was good, and then Uncle Jason had to go and mess the whole thing up. 

“Will you marry me?” He pulled out the ring. 

“Yes, perfect! And then you’re engaged!” I grinned as he hopped up. “You pop the champagne, you drink a toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor!…don’t have sex on our kitchen floor.”

“Got it,” Jason nodded. “Thanks for helping me plan this Matt.”

“Dude, are you kidding?” I walked over to the kitchen with him. He handed me a beer and got one for himself. “It’s you and Peter! I’ve been there for all the big moments for you and Peter. The night you met, your first date… other first things…”

I took a sip of the drink. 

“Sorry. We thought you were asleep,” he brought the drink up to his lips. 

After a moment it all fully set in. 

“My God,” I said. “You're getting engaged tonight.”

Jason smiled and looked down. “Yeah. What are you doing tonight?”

What was I doing? Your Uncle Jason was taking the biggest step of his life, and me? I’m calling up your Aunt Ivy.   


* * *

“Hey so you know how me and that girl last night went home together? I think I gave her the wrong impression because she won’t leave. What do I do? How do I get her out without hurting her feelings?”

“Maybe just talk to her?”

“No.”

“Whatever,” I said over the phone. “Wanna hang out tonight?”

“Yes! Meet at the bar in fifteen minutes! And suit up!”  


Fifteen minutes later, I met her at our favorite bar—Cecelia’s. “Hey!”

“Where is your suit.” Ivy was wearing a black suit. She almost exclusively wore suits. “Just once when I tell you to suit up I wish you would put on a suit.”

“I did—that one time,” I argued. 

Ivy gasped and shuddered. “It was a  _ blazer _ .”

“Did Jason tell you about... What’s happening tonight?” I asked her. 

“Mhm!” She nodded. 

I leaned against the bar. “Ever since college it’s been Peter, Jason, and me. Now it’s gonna be Peter and Jason. And me. They’ll get married, start a family, and before long I’m that middle aged bachelor their kids call ‘Uncle Matt.’”

I took a sip of my beer. 

Ivy smacked me in the head. “I see what this is about. You’re getting all up in your head about dating and marriage when you said you wouldn’t even think about it until you’re thirty!”

“Thirty. You’re right, you’re right,” I sighed. “It’s just, your best friend gets engaged, so you start thinking about that stuff.” 

“I thought I was your best friend,” Ivy glared at me. “Matt, say I’m your best friend!”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re my best friend Ivy.”

“Good!” She gave me finger guns. “And as your best friend I suggest we play a little game called  _ ‘have you met Matt.’” _

She said the “have you met Matt” part in a sing-song voice. 

“No, we are not playing ‘have you met Matt!’”

“Hi, have you met Matt?” Ivy poked the girl next to them on the shoulder and walked away, giving me a wink. 

I smiled. “I’m Matt.”

“Yasmine,” she said. She was a very beautiful woman. 

“That’s a very pretty name,” I said. 

She smiled. “Thanks!”

* * *

Peter walked into Jason’s and my apartment and closed the door behind him. 

“Hey!” Jason called from the kitchen. 

“I’m exhausted!” Peter sighed. “The kids in the play kept laughing during this one scene, so we had to keep rehearsing. And rehearsing, and rehearsing…” after he finally took his coat off and placed it on the couch he noticed his boyfriend. “Wow, you’re cooking?”

Jason smiled as he walked out of the kitchen and kissed Peter. “Yes I am.”

“Aww,” Peter nuzzled into him. “I’m surprised. You don’t usually cook.”

“I think you’ll find I’m full of surprises tonight.”

“So there’s more surprises? Like what?” Peter asked. 

Jason was in his second year of law school so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet. “BOO! That’s it.”

Peter gave him a funny, but endearing look. 

“I’m gonna go…cook. Yeah...” He might have to rethink how good he was at thinking on his feet.

Peter laughed. 

* * *

“I'm so happy for Jason, but I couldn’t imagine settling down right now,” I told Yasmine. 

“So do you think you’ll ever get married?” She asked. 

“Well maybe eventually,” I said. “Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony, we’ll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance! I’m not gonna worry about it.” 

My voice got a little strained towards the end. 

“Dammit, why did Jason have to get engaged?”

Yasmine giggled a little

“Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?”

Yasmine smiled. “Actually, I think it’s cute.”

“Well you’re clearly drunk,” I picked up her glass of wine. “One more for the lady!”

She laughed some more. 

* * *

“Okay look what I got!” Jason said, stepping away from the food he was cooking to open the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of champagne and showed Peter. 

“Aww, honey, champagne!” Peter smiled as he put it back in Jason’s hands. 

“Yeaaah,” he handed it back. 

“No, you are too old to be scared of opening a bottle of champagne!” Peter said. 

Jason scoffed. “I’m not scared.”

“Then open it.”

“Fine,” He took it into his hands. “Please open it.”

Peter groaned as he held it and walked to the counter. “You are unbelievable Jason!”  


* * *

There are two big questions you’ll have to ask in life. One you plan out for months. The other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar. 

* * *

“Will you marry me?” Jason asked, dropping to one knee as he held out the ring for Peter. 

Peter’s eyes widened. “Of course, you idiot!”

He tackled Jason onto the couch and started kissing him. 

* * *

“You wanna go out sometime?” I asked Yasmine. 

She looked down awkwardly. “I’m sorry…” She pointed at the bartender. “Carl’s my boyfriend.”

I waved to the bartender giving me an angry look. “Sup Carl?”

* * *

“You’re amazing, you know?” Peter whispered as he laced his hands with Jason’s and buried his face into his shoulder. 

“You’re more amazing,” Jason whispered, kissing Peter’s nose. “Where’s the champagne? I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée.”

He grabbed the bottle and started to open it, they freaked out and handed it to Peter. He sighed and opened it. 

* * *

“Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? I’m not ready to settle down,” I mumbled. 

Ivy shrugged and drank her beer. “That’s a ‘you’ problem.”

“The plan has always been ‘don’t even think about it until your thirty.’ It gave me time to build my career and get a steady income before I get married,” I said. 

“Exactly.”

“At least Jason’s found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I’m not!—but even if I was, it’s like okay, I’m ready! Where are they?”

And there they were. It was like something from an old movie—where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy, and says “See that girl? I’m gonna marry her someday.”

“Hey Ivy? You see that person with the red beanie?”

“Oh yeah, looks your type,” she said. “Go say hi.”

My face turned red. “I can’t just go say hi! I need a plan. I’m gonna strategically place myself by the jukebox and wait until—“

“Mhm.” She slinks away and taps away at Red Beanie’s shoulder. She starts up a conversation to my utter horror before turning towards me. “Have you met Matt?”

Ivy then vanished. 

I waved slightly. “Hi.”

“Lemme guess, Matt?”

* * *

“So what do you do?” I asked. 

“I’m a reporter for Metro News One.”

“Oh.”

“Hm, well, kind of a reporter,” that smile had to be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. “I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news. You know, like, um… monkey who can play the ukulele.”

My heart started racing. I chuckled. 

“But I’m hoping to get some bigger stories soon.”

“Bigger, like uh, gorilla with an upright bass?” I immediately felt embarrassed even though I got a cute little giggle. “I’m sorry, you’re really cute.”

We looked back at the table. Three people were staring at us in anger. 

“You’re friends don’t look too happy.”

“Oh, you see the one in the middle just got dumped by their girlfriend, so everyone here is ‘the enemy.’”

“You know if it’ll make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face. I don’t mind.”

“They would love that. And it does look fun in the movies.”

I smiled. “Hey you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?”

“Oh I can’t. I’m going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy’s attempting to make the world’s biggest pancake. Guess who’s covering it?”

“That’s gonna take a week?” I asked, wondering how big this pancake was. 

“Yeah he’s gonna eat it, too. It’s another record.”

“Hey, what’s taking so long?” The person who had been dumped asked from across the room. 

“Um, I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?” I asked. 

That beautiful smile once again. “Yeah. What the hell?”

A business card was discreetly passed to me. “Jerk!”

The next minute a martini was thrown in my face. 

“That was fun.”

“De—wait for it—nied!” Ivy giggled as she walked over to me. “Denied!”

I showed her the card. “We’re going out tomorrow night.”

Ivy pouted. “I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag,” I wiped the drink off my face with a napkin. 

* * *

The next night we went out to this little bistro in Brooklyn. 

“Wow, that is one badass blue French horn.”

I looked at the restaurant and saw the blue horn mounted against the wall. “Yeah…sort of looks like a smurf penis.”

Son, a piece of advice; when you go on a first date, you really don’t wanna say “smurf penis.” People don’t ordinarily like that. But this was no ordinary person. 

* * *

“Dad,” I said to Jason, “Other dad, I have found the love of my life!” I closed the door with my shoulder. “Jason, how have I always described my soulmate?”

“Uh, let’s see,” he thought for a minute. “They like dogs.”

_“I have five dogs.”_

“They drink scotch?”

_ “I just love a glass of scotch that’s old enough to order it’s own scotch.” _

“They quote obscure lines from ghostbusters?”

_ “Ray, when someone asks if you’re a god you say yes!” _

“That’s amazing!” Peter said. “I’m happy for you!”

“And I’m saving the best for last. They hate olives.”

“Awesome!” Jason grinned. 

Peter snuggled into his fiancée. “The olive theory!”

* * *

“The olive theory is based on my friends, Jason and Peter. Jason hates olives, Peter loves them. In a weird way, that’s what makes them such a great couple. The perfect balance.”

“Ya know, I’ve had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.”

I had an idea of where this was going. “I could take them off your hands.”

“They’re all yours,” they wiggled their eyebrows. 

* * *

“Our little baby is gonna settle down,” Jason said. 

“Wait… it’s only 10:30, what happened?” Peter asked. 

* * *

“I’ve gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace. It’s gotta be blue, it’s gotta be French.”

“No green clarinet?” I asked as I walked them home. 

“No.”

“C’mon, no purple tuba?”

“It’s a smurf penis, come on Matt,” Their phone buzzed so they picked it up and checked it. “Oh crap, I have to go to work. Something big just happened—it could be my break! I-I’m sorry. I had a really great time tonight.”

“Me too.”

* * *

“So?!” Jason said, demanding the next part of the story. “Did you kiss?”

“No, the moment wasn’t right,” Peter and Jason both rolled their eyes. “Look, this could very well be the person I marry! I want our first kiss to be amazing.”

“Aww, Matt, that is so sweet,” Peter smiled. “So you chickened out like a little bitch?” The smile was no longer nice.

“What? I did not chicken out. Look, I don’t have to take dating advice from someone who hasn’t been single since the first day of college.”

“Anyone who’s single would tell you the same thing,” Peter stood up. “Even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don’t believe me, call her.”

* * *

“Hey loser,” Ivy said, and I could hear the sound of a laser gun shooting. “How’s not playing laser tag? Cuz playing laser tag is awesome! Oh I killed you Conner, you too Zoe, don’t make me get your mom!”

“Hey listen, I need your opinion on something.”

“Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes. And suit up!”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later we all met at our regular booth. I began telling the story to Ivy. “These two think I chickened out. What do you think?”

“I can't believe you’re still not wearing a suit! I very explicitly told you to ‘suit up!’”

“I didn’t even get the signal!” I said. 

“What are your dates gonna do—bat their eyes at you in morse code?” She leaned her head to the side and began rapidly blinking. “‘Matt, kiss me’. No! You just go for it!”

“Not if you don’t get the signal!”

Ivy began to speak, but instead grabbed Jason’s face, and locked lips with him for a moment and let go. “Did Jason give me the signal?”

“No!” He exclaimed. “I didn’t Peter, I swear!”

“But at least now I get to sleep at night knowing Jason and me? Never gonna happen,” Ivy shrugged. “You two should’ve kissed.”

“We should’ve kissed,” I groaned. “Well, maybe in a week when they get back from Orlando.”

“A week? That’s like a year. Mark my words, you will never see that one again.”

“I’m gonna go kiss them,” I stood up. “Right now.”

“Dude, it’s midnight,” Jason said. “As your future lawyer, I’m gonna advise you, that’s crazy.”

“I never do anything crazy!” I argued back. “I’m always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. This may be the only moment I’m gonna get.”

“We’re coming with you!” Peter decided, walking with Jason not far behind. 

“Ivy?” I asked. 

“Alright, but under one condition,” Ivy said. 

* * *

In the car, Ivy wouldn’t stop smiling. “Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going on my blog!”

“Stop the car, pull over right here!” I said once I saw the Restaurant we ate at. “I gotta do something.”

I am out of the car and ran into the building. I love them to the table next to the wall, where some people were eating, and grab the blue French horn. I heard some of the staff yelling at me but I was running out the door into the cab before I could register anything they said. 

“Flowers,” I explained. 

Ivy high-fived me. 

Once we reached the building, I took a deep breath. 

“Okay, moment of truth. Wish me luck.”

Ivy smirked. “Matt’s gonna get it on with a TV reporter, hehe,” then, mining a reporter, she said, “This just in—”

“Jason, remember this moment,” I said. “When you’re the best man in our wedding, and you're giving your speech, you’ll be telling this story.”

“Why does he get to be the best man? Is it because he’s a man?” Ivy asked me as I got unbuckled and walked out. “That’s sexist, Matt!”

As I walked up to that door a million thoughts raced through my head. Unfortunately one particular thought did not. 

_ “I’ve got five dogs.” _

I buzzed the apartment and the sound of dogs barking overlapped each other. I ran back to the car. 

“No!” Peter screamed. 

“Get back in there!” Jason. 

“You’re wearing a suit!” Ivy. 

I walked back, blue French horn in hand. 

“Matt?”

I looked up to the window. “Hi! I was just—Uh—“

I raised the blue French horn. 

That beautiful smile once again. “Come on up.”

* * *

“He’s in,” Jason smiled. “So Ivy, how’d you get that girl out?”

“I told her I was in the secret service and no one was supposed to know I exist so she had to leave so I could save the country from impending doom.”

“And she believed you?” Peter raised an eyebrow. 

Ivy shrugged. “She got out of the cab.”

“Aaaand I’m gonna leave before you start asking the taxi driver if his wife is hot,” Peter opened the car door and started walking. 

“Is she?” Ivy asked. 

“Here’s a picture of her.” The driver proudly pulled out a picture from his wallet and passed it to them. 

Ivy and Jason both looked at her and shared an uncomfortable look. 

“A small _no_ wouldn’t have sufficed?” Ivy whispered to Jason. “She’s lovely.”

* * *

“So Matt, what brings you to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a… suit?”

“I was just hoping to… get those olives that you said I could have,” I started blushing again. 

“Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?”

I bit the inside of my lip. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

Seductively, they walked forward and put in a vinyl. “For starters.”

* * *

“So Jason,” Ivy said. “This olive theory based on you and Peter?”

“Yeah?”

“You hate olives?” She asked. “Peter loves them, you can’t stand them?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I hate olives.”

Ivy gave him a look. “Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives, you had some, what up?”

Jason awkwardly looked out the window. He fiddled with his hands. “You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.”

“I swear,” Ivy said. 

“I swear,” the cab driver said. 

Jason sighed. “On our first date I ordered a green salad, Peter asked if he could have my olives, I said ‘sure, I hate olives.’”

“But you like olives!” She argued. 

He groaned. “I was eighteen, okay? I was a virgin, I had only recently come to terms with my sexuality, been waiting my whole life for a boy to want my  _ olives _ .”

“Jason, I’m gonna give you an early wedding present,” she patted his hand. “Don’t get married.”

* * *

As the music played in the background, we stared each other in the eyes. The five dogs sat on the ouch. 

“I think I like your olive theory…”

My face flushed as we moved closer together. “I think I like your new French horn.”

_ “I think I like your nose…” _

“I think I’m in love with you.”

* * *

“WHAT?!” Jason, Ivy, and Peter exclaimed simultaneously. 

* * *

“WHAT?!” The kids screamed in unison.  


* * *

“What?” The person I was dancing with asked. 

* * *

“Come on, man, you said your stomach has been hurting right? You know what that is? Hunger,” Ivy said. “You’re hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for  _ olives.  _ But you’re too scared to do anything about it.”

“Yeah I’m scared, okay?” Jason admitted. “But when I think of spending the rest of my life with Peter—committing, forever, no other men—it doesn’t scare me at all. I’m marrying that boy.”

Jason turned to see Peter in the window on the cab, smiling. He reached through the window to kiss him, but Jason stopped him. 

“Peter. Peter, I like olives.”

He gave a small shrug. “We’ll make it work.”

Then they kissed. 

“Aww,” the cab driver said. 

* * *

Both of us were sitting on the couch in awkward silence. I desperately tried to think of something to fix it. “S-so Orlando? You gonna hit Disney world?”

“YOU LOVE ME?”

“I-I can’t believe I said that,” I muttered. “Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go.”

“Hold on,” a jar of olives was retrieved from the fridge and placed in my hands. “I promised you these.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I love you. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!”  


* * *

“Why are we still sitting here?” Ivy asked. “Let’s go! We can still make it for last call.”

Peter should his head. “We can’t just abandon Matt! If it doesn’t go well up there he’s gonna need some support.”

“It’s been like twenty minutes,” Jason said. “They’re probably… not available.”

Ivy suddenly got an idea to make Peter agree to leave. “Think they’re doing it in front of the dogs? Doggy style?”

Jason started laughing. 

“So I dated this girl in college and she had this golden retriever—“

“Okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking!” Peter demanded. 

“Hit it!” Ivy told the cab driver. 

They left just as I walked out of the apartment. “So when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word ‘psycho’? I prefer the word… eccentric?”

I got one last little giggle in. “Goodnight,  _ psycho.” _

I placed a hand over my heart and feigned being hurt. I noticed that my friends were gone. “Great. Um—how do I get to the F train?”

“Oh, um two blocks that way and take a right.”

I started my way there, when I suddenly stopped and turned around. “You know what? I’m done being single! I’m not good at it! Obviously you can’t tell someone you just met that you love them, but it sucks that you can’t! I’ll tell you something, if someone—not you, just some hypothetical person—were to bare with me through all of this I think I’d make a damn good husband, because that’s the stuff I’d be good at! Stuff like—making them laugh, and being a good father… and walking their five hypothetical dogs.”

Smile. 

“Being a good kisser.”

“Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser.”

“Oh believe me, I’ve got references.”

Chuckle. “Goodnight, Matt.”

I extended my hand and it was taken. The handshake went on for a bit too long. “And I’m a good hand shaker.”

Nod. “That’s a pretty great handshake.”

We stared each other in the eyes. 

* * *

“And that was it, we’ll probably never see each other again.”

I smiled sitting in the bar with my friends, but Peter glared at me and Jason shook his head. 

“What?”

“That was the signal!” Jason said. 

Peter smacked my shoulder. “That  _ long _ lingering handshake, you should’ve kissed!”

“There’s no such thing as the signal!” Ivy argued. “But yeah, that was the signal.”

The cab driver nodded. “Signal.”

Carl walked by and handed out a bottle of champagne and a few glasses. 

“Thank you,” Jason took the bottle. “There’s something I need to do.”

“Oh by the way,” Carl said. “You should’ve kissed.”

“Carl!—you guys weren’t there!” 

Jason opened the bottle, this time easily and without hesitating. 

“I am so turned on right now,” Peter jokingly said. 

“Guys trust me!” I said. “I’ve seen the signal! That was not the signal.”

“Yeah, Matt, we’re not on you anymore,” Ivy said, eating a French fry. 

“To my fiancée,” Jason said once the champagne was poured and he’d lifted his glass. 

“To the future,” Peter said. 

“To one hell of a night!” The cab driver said. 

We all clinked our glasses together and drank. “That was not the signal!”

I asked about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. We could have kissed. But that’s the funny thing about destiny. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean, I never thought we’d see each other again. It just turns out I was too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. 

* * *

“Because that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Uncle Lucas.”

“Uncle Lucas?!” My son exclaimed.

My daughter looked confused. “I thought this was how you met  _ mom!” _

“Will you relax, I’m getting to it! Like I said, it’s a  _ long _ story.”


	2. The Purple Giraffe

So back in 2021, when I was 27, my two best friends got engaged, and it got me thinking “Maybe I should get married.” 

And then I saw Lucas. He was incredible. I just knew I had to meet him. That’s where your Aunt Ivy came in, playing the absolutely stupid game of “have you met Matt?”

We went out and it was perfect. I know it sounds crazy, but after just one date, I was in love with them. Which made me say something stupid: that I was in love with them. 

After that, nothing happened. I mean, I’d made a complete fool of myself. So, a week went by, and I decided not to call him. 

* * *

“So you’re not gonna call them?” Jason asked as we walked into Cecelia’s. “You went from  _ ‘I think I’m in love with you’  _ to  _ ‘I’m not gonna call him’  _ ?”

I rolled my eyes, trying to defend myself as I walked up to our regular booth. “I wasn’t in love with him, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with Lucas.” When I got to the booth I saw him and Peter talking. “Lucas.”

“Hi,” they smiled at me. 

“Hey, look who I ran into!” Peter said. 

I raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you guys know each other?”

“Oh, since about…” Lucas looked at their nearly empty glass of alcohol and pointed to the top. “Here? Peter recognized me from the news and—hello sailor!”

He was taken aback as Jason pulled Peter in and started kissing him. Peter wrapped his arms around Jason’s neck. 

“They just got engaged,” I explained. 

“Well, I should get back to the station,” he stood up and put his signature red beanie on. “See you guys later!” They then smiled at me. “Nice seeing you, Matt.”

“Yeah, you too,” I agreed. 

“Thanks,” they muttered before walking off. 

I sat down. “Damn it!”

“What?” Peter asked, resting his head on Jason’s shoulder. 

“I’m in love with him,” I mumbled. 

“No!” Ivy smacked me on the head as she walked up to us. “As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse! You blew it, it’s over, move on.”

“I don’t know, I just have this feeling,” I moved over so Ivy could scoot in. “He’s the one.”

Peter squeaked and immediately covered his mouth. 

“Peter, you squeaked?” I asked. “He said something about me, didn’t he?” Peter shook his head. “Come on, spill it, Red!” 

I stared at him. He averted his gaze before scrunching his eyes closed. 

“Fine!” He uncovered his mouth. “They said you’re  _ ‘something else.’” _

“Something else.” I let that roll off my tongue and around my head trying to get a grasp of what it meant. “Huh,” I thought. “Lots of guys are something,” I offered up hesitantly to the group “I’m something else. I’m gonna spin that as good.”

“And they said you come on a  _ little  _ strong,” Peter butted in, interrupting my self-imposed confidence in its tracks.. 

I bit my lip. “But… that’s part of my charm?” I smiled waiting for their judgement.

“I said that, and they agreed,” Peter said. “They said you’re sweet, charming…. but looking for something more serious than they are. They said the most they could currently handle is something casual.”

“Then?”

“I promised that this would stay between us…” Peter groaned. “Oops?” He shrugged and took another sip of his drink.

“He wants casual…” I nodded. “Okay, I can be casual.” I ran my hand through my hair to demonstrate exactly just how casual I could be.

My friends all laughed at my attempts, Jason even going so far as to mess up my newly styled hair. I shrugged him away and took Petermd drink away from him. 

“Hey!” He said. 

“So are you gonna ask him out?” Jason asked. 

“Yes—no!” I corrected myself. “I can’t ask them out, because if I ask them out I’m  _ asking them out.  _ So, how do I ask them out without asking them out?”

Ivy thought for a moment with me. “Hmm…”

“Did you guys get high?” Peter asked us. “What’s the difference?”

“I got it!” I announced. “I don’t ask him out. I invite him to our party next Friday.”

“We’re having a party next Friday?” Jason asked. 

I nodded. “We are now. Casual.”

Ivy nodded. “‘Cause nothing says casual like inviting over a hundred people just to hit on one person.” She put her feet up.

“Alright,” he signed in resignation. ”Call them up,” Jason said. Trying to bluff his way out of having to throw together a last minute party.

I shook my head. “No, calling isn't casual! I have to bump into them somewhere. If only I knew his schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter…”

“That’s great, Matt,” Peter patted my hand. “You’ll be the most casual stalker ever!”

* * *

Ever since Jason had proposed, Peter had been, well,  _ extra affectionate.  _

“Baby, no!” Jason laughed. “I have a 25-paged paper on constitutional law due Monday! I barely started.”

He went back to his typing. 

Peter sat back in his chair, smiling. “I’m just sitting here. Wearing my ring,” he looked at his fiancée, still typing. “Kinda makes wearing other stuff feel wrong.”

Jason looked up. 

“Like my shirt,” Peter laughed. “Kind of don’t wanna wear my shirt anymore.”

Jason closed his computer and folded his hands. “Seriously?”

“You know it,” Peter wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Guys,” I said from the couch.”Your son is right here,” I gestured towards myself, “and would like to very much not know about his dads’ sex lives. Boundaries.”

I pointed to the TV. “There he is!”

_ “Thanks, Bill,” Lucas said, staring into the camera. “Now reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket of 75th and Columbus…” _

“75th and Columbus!” I grabbed my coat and ran off. 

“Boundaries, Matt,” Peter parroted back as I dashed out the door, hurriedly throwing the jacket on halfway down the hall. 

* * *

“…where four year old Moritz Stifel has climbed inside a grab-a-prize machine and gotten stuck. All in pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe. From Metro News One, I’m Lucas Carter.”

At that moment, I ran into the store and noticed that I was on camera, so I ran into one of the aisles.

“And we’re clear!” The cameraman called. 

Lucas put their microphone down. “Matt?”

“Lucas? Wow!” I said. “What are the odds?”

“What are you doing here?” He asked. 

“Oh you know, just shopping for uh—“ I turned and grabbed the closest thing next to me. “Dip. I love dip. I mean—I don’t love dip, I like dip. As a friend, you know.”

Lucas giggled. I mentally cringed. 

“So, uh, hey, you, uh, reporting a news story or something?” I asked, picking up more cans of bean dip. More bean dip than a single person would ever need.

“Yeah,” they nodded. “Kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news.”

“Wow, kid in a crane machine?” I walked over to the kid. “Just had to have that toy, didn’t ya?”

“You’re all sweaty!” He said. 

I turned away immediately. “It’s so funny I ran into you. We’re having a party next Friday if you feel like swinging by. Casual. But, you know,  _ whatever _ .”

“Oh, I’m going back home next weekend,” Lucas explained. “It’s too bad it’s not tonight.”

“It is… it’s tonight,” I said. “This Friday! Did I say next Friday? I’m sorry, I guess I’ve been saying next Friday all week. But yeah, it’s tonight. The party’s tonight. But, you know,  _ whatever. _ ”

* * *

Jason, in bed next to Peter, who was snuggled up next to him, picked up his phone. “Hello.”

“Hey, am I interrupting anything?” I asked. 

“No, no,” Jason said. “I’m just writing my paper. Hitting the books.”

“Yeah, sure. By the way, you and Peter might wanna put some clothes on. We’re throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye!”

Jason sat up, putting his phone down in confusion. Peter kissed him on the cheek. 

* * *

“So, what are you gonna do when Lucas shows up?” Jason asked. 

“Okay, I got it all planned out—”  


* * *

They _ step through the door. And where’s Matt? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I’m across the room at my drafting table, showing a girl some of my architecture stuff.  _

_ So Lucas strolls over, and I casually give him one of these: “Hey, what’s up?” _

_ He says, “Hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera.” _

_ And then I say, “Well, make yourself at home.” _

_ And I casually return to my conversation.  _

_ Then, an hour later, I walk over to them and say:  _ _ “Oh, you’re still here?” Like I don’t really care, but it’s a nice surprise. Then, very casually, “Wanna see the roof?” _

* * *

“Ooh, the roof!” Jason and Peter said in unison. 

I nodded. “Right? Get him up to the roof, and the roof takes care of the rest.”

“What’s so special about the roof?” Ivy asked.

“Oh the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline,” Jason smiled. “You can’t not fall in love on that roof.”

“Me and Jason had our first date outside of college up there when he just moved in,” Peter laced their fingers together and leaned his head on his shoulder. “It was perfect.”

“Solid plan, my little friend,” Ivy patted my head in approval, and settled her elbow on my shoulder.. 

“We’re the same height.”

“But may I suggest one little modification?” She asked. “That girl you were chatting up earlier? Take her up to the roof and hook up with her instead.”

“That’s not the plan,” I argued. 

“It should be the plan,” Ivy said. “I don’t think this Lucas-boy is a good idea.”

“But I want him,” I pushed Ivy off of me. 

“Matt, statistically at every New York party there’s one person there who doesn’t know whose party they’re at. They know no one you know, and you will never see them again. Do you see? Where I’m going? With this?”

“Ivy, no,” I said. 

She gave me a look. “Why are you so hung up on Lucas? You’ve literally only seen them five times.”

“Because I’m in love with them.”

“Matt,” Ivy said. “You’ve only seen them five times. I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to get over it because I don’t think it’s healthy.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk!”

“Suit yourself,” she shrugged and looked around, noticing a blonde girl standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. “And now it’s time to play a little game I like to call  _ ‘Have you met Matt?’” _

“Ivy, come on, not this!” I begged her as she tapped the girl on her shoulder. “Not again!”

“Hi, have you met Matt?” She asked. 

The girl shook her head. “Um, no.”

“You know Jason, Peter?” He pointed to the couple, who waved. 

“No.”

“Hmm, do you know anyone at this party?” Ivy asked. 

She nodded. “I work with Jake Dillinger.”

“Excuse me,” Ivy stepped away. “Anyone know a Jake Dillinger?”

We all shook our heads. Ivy gestured to the girl. “Talk to her.”

“No.”

“Fine,” she rolled her eyes and turned back to the girl. “Can I show you the roof? It’s magical up there.”

She nodded. “Sure!”

“Hey! I got that roof reserved!” I tried to stop them. 

Ivy shook her head. “Dude, Lucas isn’t coming.”

“Hey, he’s gonna show up!”

He didn’t show up. 

* * *

“At least it was a great party!” Peter said as me, him, and Jason all sat on the couch. 

Jason nodded. “I ate like, four whole cans of dip.”

“You always know what to say, old friend,” I muttered. He patted me on the leg. 

My phone went off, and I looked at it. “It’s Lucas.”

“Answer it,” Peter said. 

“Nononono, not right away,” I said. “Gotta seem casual.”

After a few seconds I basically leaped to the phone and answered it. “Hello?”

“I’m so sorry I missed your party,” Lucas said. 

“Who is this? Marcus?” I asked, awkwardly staring at Jason. 

Lucas sounded confused. “Lucas.”

“Ohhh, Lucas!” I stood up. “Yeah, hey, guess you never showed up, did you?”

“No, I got stuck at work,” they explained. “But they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.”

“Did he get to keep the purple giraffe?”

“Yeah, they let him keep  _ all _ the toys. He was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders.”

I laughed. 

“I wish your party was tonight.”

Me and Jason stared at each other directly in the eyes. He smiled sympathetically at me. “It is, the party’s tonight.”

He immediately stood up, smile gone, and started running towards me, but I moved away from him. “Yeah, uh, it’s a two-day party. ‘Cause that’s just how we  _ roll.” _

Peter and Jason both cringed. 

“Uh, so if you wanna swing by, it’s um, casual. See ya,” I hung up. 

Jason glared at me. 

“So that was Lucas.”

“What are you doing to me, man? I’ve got a paper to write!”

“I know! Sorry! It’s terrible!” I ran out of the apartment as fast as I could. “I’ll buy more dip!”

“Wait! Matt!!” He yelled. “Get French onion!”

He closed the door. “Can you believe this guy? I’ve got a paper to write!”

“Oh really?” Peter wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Okay, fine,” Jason grabbed his hand and walked him to the bedroom. “But it’s gotta be, like, super quick. And no cuddling after!”

Peter kissed him. “I’m the luckiest guy alive!”

* * *

At the next party, Ivy walked up to me. “Dude, you were right about the roof! The roof is on fire, Matt!”

I nodded awkwardly. 

“That girl from last night? I took her back to my place, then this morning said goodbye, and she will never find her way back, and there she is,” Ivy took a big sip of her drink. “How did she get here? Did you invite her?”

“I have no idea who that is,” I told her. 

“She said she works with Jake,” she said. “Whose Jake?”

“I don’t know any Jake,” I said honestly. 

Ivy groaned as the girl walked up to her. “Hi—you. You’re back?”

She giggled and cupped Ivy’s cheeks. “I sure am.” She kissed her. “Come on, sweetie, I need a drink.”

Ivy really needed to start communicating to her hookups that it was a one night stand and she wasn’t interested in a relationship. Unfortunately for Ivy, she had no communication skills. 

“Sweetie? Really?” She let herself get pulled away. 

Meanwhile, Peter was dragging Jason to the window that led to the roof. 

“Woah, woah, no,” I blocked them away. “I have the roof reserved.” 

Ivy walked over to me. “So it’s over between me and works-with-Jake girl.”

“That was fast,” I said. Maybe Ivy actually got over her strange fear properly communicating her feelings to women she was interested in. 

“Yeah, I was thinking  _ ‘what’s the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?’” _

* * *

“I think I’m in love with you,” Ivy said monotone. 

Works-with-Jake girl let go of the jacket of her suit. “What?”

* * *

“Thanks, Bro! You’re useful for some things.” She grinned and walked off. 

I glared at her. “Glad I could help.”

Then I caught Jason crawling through the window. “What? No, no, no!”

“Sorry, Matt,” Jason said and followed his fiancée. 

“Great,” I mumbled. “What am I gonna do when Lucas shows up?”

Ivy smirked into her cup. 

“He’ll show up!”

He didn’t show up. 

* * *

“Alright, we threw two parties, everybody had fun, now the kid has gotta get to work. And the kid is not to be disturbed! Repeat after me:” Jason stood up. “I will not have sex with Jason.”

“I will not have sex with Jason,” Peter and I said in unison. 

My phone rang again, and it was Lucas. I answered. 

“Hi, Matt,” they said. 

“Aaron? Oh, Daniel! Sorry, you totally sounded like Aaron.”

“It’s Lucas.”

“Oh Lucas!” I stood up. “Hi.”

“I totally wanted to come,” he insisted. “I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I’m sorry I missed your party  _ again.” _

“Hey, don’t worry about it.”

“I guess there’s no chance your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer.”

“It did indeed, the party continues tonight,” Jason started chasing me. “Yeah, um, last night people were like  _ ‘keep it going, bro! Party trifecta!’” _

“Wow! Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Great. See ya tonight,” I hung up. “So that was Lucas.”

Jason glared at me. 

* * *

So I threw a third party for Lucas. On a Sunday night. Barely anyone came. 

“Well, this is lame,” Ivy said, sitting on my couch. 

“Lame, or casual?”

“Lame,” she insisted. 

I pointed at her. “Or casual?”

She shook her head and drank her beer. 

Peter walked up to Jason, and before he could open his mouth, Jason shook his head. “Sorry baby, I have to work.”

He scrambled around the apartment. “Has anyone seen  _ ‘An Introduction to Contract, Tort, and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923’?” _

No one had any clue what he was talking about, so we all stayed quiet. 

“Anyone seen a big ass book?”

People muttered “no.”

“Hello, Ivy,” the works-with-Jake girl said. 

Ivy sighed. “Of course.”

“You look well,” she said. “Is it weird that they invited both of us?”

“Who?” Ivy asked. “Who invited you? No one even knows who you are!”

The girl looked down. “I understand you’re hurt, but you don’t have to be cruel. Jake was right about you…”

“WHO IS JAKE?!” Ivy screamed into the void. 

The door opened. 

“Where the hell is my—“ Jason stopped dead in his tracks. He screamed and picked up his book. “Okay.  _ ‘An Introduction to Contract, Tort, and Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923’  _ IS NOT A COASTER! Matt! I’m jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one, not two, but three parties for some boy you just met who’s probably not even going to show up! I mean where is he, Matt, huh? Where’s Lucas?”

He turned around and saw Lucas standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “Hi Lucas… um.” He panicked.

Jason pulled Peter into his bedroom and shut the door. 

Lucas walked over to me. “Did you throw all these parties for me?”

“No!” I stood up. “Um, oh you thought that—no! Okay, yes, you got me, okay, one of the reasons I I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you… to, uh,” Ivy pushed a guy in front of me. He was wearing a red jacket with a white hood. “This guy. Uh, I figured since, you know, didn’t work out between us, and we can just laugh about it…”

I awkwardly laughed. Lucas looked a bit disappointed. 

“Anyway, Lucas, this is—“

“Jake Dillinger,” he extended his hand. 

“Ohhhh,” Ivy and I said in unison. 

* * *

“They’re still talking to Jake,” I told my friends, watching them from afar. “I can still win this! It’s not over!”

“Okay buddy,” Peter interjected. “Time for the tough talk. Lucas seems great, but let’s look at the facts. You wanna get married, and right now there are a million men and women in New York looking for exactly you. But Lucas isn’t one of them.”

“Lucas isn’t just one of them,” I argued. “They’re  _ the one!” _

“Yeah, well,” Ivy interrupted. “ _ The one  _ is heading up to  _ the roof.” _

I turned to look, and sure enough Lucas and Jake were crawling through the window. 

“What are you gonna do?” Jason asked. 

“Nothing,” I told them. 

Jason patted me on the shoulder and walked off. I stared at the window and suddenly felt like that kid chasing the purple giraffe, wanting it so desperately but failing with every attempt, then crawling through the machine to get it. I crawled through the window and onto the roof. 

“Matt!”

“Hey, Jake, can you give us a minute?”

“Hey, no sweat  _ hombre _ ,” I wasn’t sure if he said that because I’m half-Latino or if he was trying to be cool. Either way, he left. 

“Lucas, I didn’t throw these parties just so I hook you up with Jake. Or the one before that. Or the one before that.”

Lucas pursed his lips. 

“I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.”

“Well, here I am,” they smiled at me. 

“There’s something here!” I said. “Unless I’m crazy—“

“You’re not crazy,” he sighed. “I-I dunno, Matt. I mean, we barely know each other, and you're looking at me with that look and it’s like—like—“

“Like what?”

“Like—like—let’s fall in love, and get married, and have kids and drive them to soccer practice!” He explained. 

I shook my head. “I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.”

Lucas giggled. “It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong guy.”

“No,” I insisted. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are,” they said. “I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever, and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart. And… I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.”

I moved my hand over my chest as if to turn a dial. “Click. Turned it off like a lightswitch, let’s make out.”

Lucas giggled again. “What?”

“What, that was the off switch!” I claimed. “And I turned it off.”

He grinned.

“I mean, sure I wanna fall in love, get married, blah blah blah, but on the other hand…” I looked around. “You, me, the roof…”

Lucas shook their head, smiling. “There’s no off switch.”

“There is an off switch,” I looked into his eyes. “And it’s off.”

“No, it’s not,” they moved closer to me. 

“Yes, it is,” I moved closer to him. 

“No it’s not,” he moved his face super close to mine. 

“Yes,” I said. “It is.”

I kissed them and wrapped my arms around their neck. They moved their hands to my waist. My heart was racing faster than it ever had before in my life. When we pulled away our noses were still close enough to touch. 

“No it’s not,” I said. “You’re right, there’s no off switch.”

He let go of me. 

“God, I wish there was an off switch.”

“Me too,” they confessed.

We both burst into a fit of laughter. 

“We could be friends?” Lucas suggested. 

I fell against the wall and pretended that I had been shot. 

“Look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that,” they said. “But we could.”

“I dunno, Lucas, I’ve made such a jackass of myself. Everytime I see you and we hang out it’ll be like  _ ‘oh, that’s right, I’m a jackass.’” _

“You’re not a jackass,” Lucas lied. “I’m sorry, I only moved here in December and I'm always working. I just haven’t met a lot of good people so far. But I understand.”

“Well, uh…” I fiddled with my hands. “Maybe in a month or so after it’s not so fresh we could hang out? Get a beer?”

He nodded. “I’ll see you, Matt.”

They started walking away.

“Or, you know, now?” I asked.

Lucas turned around.

“We could all get a beer now?”

They nodded. “I’d like that.”

“My friends are gonna love you—like you, ya know, as a friend,” I said, and Lucas started laughing.  _ “Jackass…” _

* * *

“Unbelievable,” Ivy said, staring at the girl she hooked up with making out with Jake. “That’s just a recipe for disaster! They work together!”

“You jealous?” I asked her. 

She rolled her eyes. “Please, what does Jake have that I don’t?”

“A date tonight?” Lucas said. 

“Ohhhhhh.”

Ivy frowned. “I’m not sure I like them.”

“Hey, don’t you have a paper to write?” I asked Jason. 

Jason shrugged. “I’m gonna knock back this beer, I’m gonna knock back one more beer, I’m gonna go home, I’m gonna write a 25 paged paper, I’m gonna hand it in, and I’m gonna get an A.”

He got a B-, but still, 25 pages in one night and a B-? Kid was good. 

“I’ll buy everyone beer,” I said. 

Lucas stood up. “I’ll help carry.”

Once we were over to the bar, he smiled at me. “You know, you’re going to make someone very happy one day. I’m gonna help you find them.”

I snorted. “Good luck with that.”

He turned to the girl that was right next to us. “Hi, have you met Matt?”

They took the beer from the bar and went back to the table, smiling. I shook the girl’s hand. As we began talking, all I could look at was Lucas. And all he could look at was me. 


End file.
